Ending a relationship is never easy. If you have decided that you want to break up, it can cause a lot of stress for both parties. But by taking the time to properly consider whether this is the right decision, and make it out in a rational, respectful and calm manner, you limit the pain and the separation will go more smoothly.
1-Come to the decision
1- Do not rush the decision. It is important to think about your decision if you are not emotionally upset and can reason clearly. This prevents you from making an impulsive decision that you will regret or hurt the other person with.
- If you are upset, it is more difficult to solve problems, so that you make irrational decisions.
2-Make it clear why you want to break up. It is important to make it as clear as possible why you want to end the relationship. This allows you to distinguish between simple obstacles in the relationship, and a more serious and unsolvable problem between you and your partner.
- Only you can determine what insurmountable problems are, and which problems can still be solved. For example, if your partner treats others badly or does not want children, these are often factors that cannot be changed. On the other hand, the unwillingness to help in the household can be something that can still be worked on.
- Every couple sometimes has a fight, but if it gets out of hand and gets really bad, it could mean that there are deeper problems, or that you don’t fit together.
If you are physically or emotionally abused, that is a clear sign that you must end the relationship.
3-Make a list of positive and negative things. Consider making a list of reasons why you want to end the relationship. You can also write down the positive and negative characteristics of your partner, and the pros and cons of communication and the relationship between you.
- By seeing the positive things about the relationship on paper, you can better focus on that, instead of just seeing the negative through the feelings you have lately. -You can also make a list to prevent you from only breaking up the relationship based on the idea that ‘this feels like the right thing to do’.
- Remember that any form of abuse or violence is a clear reason to end the relationship immediately.
Look at the list, think about it and ask yourself if the relationship is ruining your life rather than enriching it.
4-Decide if change is possible. If you are just angry with your partner, consider whether there is a way to change the dynamics of the relationship. Before you make a final decision, you may want to try to solve the problems, instead of ending the relationship immediately. If change is an option, see if your partner is willing and able to change.
- If the problem has been discussed before without having experienced that he / she has changed, and you still feel unsatisfied, hurt or cheated, divorce may be the only way to break the pattern.
5-Talk about your frustrations. Before you decide to stop, you must discuss your frustrations and concerns with your partner. Give him the chance to change. If you finally decide to stop, it is less unexpected and the blow will be less severe because you have already discussed your frustrations.
- Backing up your emotions and frustrations can lead to an inappropriate outburst of your feelings.
- -Try to tell your partner calmly and respectfully what is bothering you. Avoid shouting, violence or accusing.
- -If your partner has cheated you or has hurt you in any way, you can regard that as insurmountable differences so that you do not want to tell him / her about your frustrations or give you the chance to change.
6-Set a reasonable time limit for the change. You have to prevent that you endlessly hope that your partner will change and that you will eventually be disappointed. Setting a time limit makes it easier to make your decision in the long run.
- You can or cannot tell your partner about your time limit. If you set an ultimatum by saying ‘If you quit smoking at the end of this month, we can stay together’ it can lead to your partner agreeing to it in the short term, but later lapsing into his / her old habits. -Make sure the ultimatum is useful. In most cases, an ultimatum does not work. But you may need to keep your relationship. For example, you could say, “I want to see that you really do your best to stop smoking if you want me to stay with you.” But an ultimatum like ‘You must also want children’ will never work and will only hurt the other person and make him feel guilty.
- It may take a long time for some people to change habits that they have had for a long time. For example, it can take years before invalid smokers can stop. Give your partner time to do his / her best to change the behavior.
7-Take someone into confidence. If you find it difficult to make it clear to yourself, talk to someone you can trust about your feelings. If you talk about your feelings, you better get what you want. The confidant may offer new perspectives on your behavior or that of your partner.
- The person you trust can be a friend, a family member, or a mental health professional. -Make sure that this person will not damage your confidence and will not discuss your problems with others. You must also be sure that he / she will not treat your partner differently.
8-Take your final decision. If you have considered the different aspects of your relationship, discussed it with your partner, and gave your relationship a second chance if appropriate, make the final decision about the fate of your relationship.  This can help you to go ahead and prepare the conversation so that you can end the relationship in a respectful and honest way, or you can fully focus on restoring the relationship.
- Remember that your decision is based on what’s best for you – and no one else.
2-End the relationship
1-Schedule a time to finish it. It is best and it shows respect when you make the relationship personal and when you discuss the reasons. Make time and choose a quiet place so that you and your partner can be alone, which makes the process a little easier because you will not be disturbed.
- Consider choosing a time that is not during work or school week, so that the other person has a moment to mourn the relationship alone, without immediately meeting others. -Maybe you have to inform the other person about the nature of the conversation so that he / she can prepare themselves for this. For example, you can say: ‘I want to talk about the status of our relationship’.
2-Select a suitable place for the interview. It is best to have this conversation in a quiet place where you do not have to be ashamed of others to express your emotions. Choose a place where you can easily leave, so that you don’t get stuck in a lengthy conversation where you talk in circles.
- If you do not feel safe with your partner it is better to keep the conversation in public or to bring someone along. – If you live together, it is even more problematic to break the relationship. It is up to you whether or not you want to move immediately after you have had the interview.
- If you don’t feel safe, or if you don’t feel comfortable when you have to share the house with your partner, make sure you have a place to go. You can already move your things if your partner is not home and then break up, or break up and take part of your things with the intention of coming back when things are calmed down.
3-Schedule the conversation. Consider what you want to say. If you already have a global idea of what you want to say, you prevent yourself from becoming too emotional and you better stick to the topic. It is also good not to hurt the other person more than necessary.
- The conversation in which you tell the other person that you want to stop the relationship can take longer than it should, especially if your partner is devastated or is completely surprised by your decision. Often people also reason in circles, so think in advance how long you want the conversation to last.
- Be honest with the other, but not mean or rude. You can tell the other person what you attracted to him / her to also highlight some good qualities, while you discuss why you no longer want the relationship.
4-Make it personal. Although it is easier not to have to look at someone when you broke up, breaking a relationship via telephone, text or email is impersonal and disrespectful. Unless you live very far apart and do not want to wait until you see each other again, or if you are afraid of the other, you must give your partner the respect that he / she – and the relationship – deserves.
- By deciding it personally, the other person also knows that you are serious.
5-Keep your calm and respect. Sit down with your partner and let him / her know that you want to end the relationship. Approach the divorce as calmly and respectfully as possible, with a sense of determination that makes the situation a little less negative and devastating.
- Don’t scold the other person or say anything you don’t mean. Remember that this may eventually come back to you, causing you to get hurt yourself. For example, don’t say, “I don’t think you’re taking good care of yourself and I’m disgusted with you.” Instead, it is better to say: “I think we have different lifestyles that do not fit well together.”
- Try not to become overly emotional, if possible. This helps to reduce guilt, and it also helps to stay behind your decision.
6-Focus on the relationship, not on the person. Talk about what is not good for you in the relationship, but do not say what is wrong with the other person. By talking personally about the other you make a devastating situation even worse.
- Do not make the reasons for the divorce personal. For example, by saying “You deserve better” you give your partner the opportunity to say that you are perfect for him / her, and that there is no reason to separate.
7-Do not give false hope. Certain phrases with an open end can give the other the false hope that everything will be alright. If you leave the door ajar, you and your partner will only get hurt more.By saying: ‘We’ll talk about it later’ or ‘I want to stay friends / I want to keep you in my life’ you give the other person hope that it will still be okay, even if you know that it isn’t will happen.
- You have to tell him / her nice that you can no longer have contact. Say that this is best for both of you, so that you can get back on top.
- -If you really want to remain friends, you must set conditions for this during the interview. You both can realize that it is better to stop this relationship. But be clear about what you expect and want from this friendship.
If you are sure you want to break up, you should do that as quickly as possible. However, if your partner already has a bad day, you better wait. If it is already down, it will be harder for both of you. Never mind in the most intense of the struggles. If the relationship is already damaged too much and can no longer be repaired, that will not change when the fight and anger are over. Make it up if you both are calm and talk about it calmly. That way you can close it in the best way.