Sometimes letting go seems the easiest thing to do. But don’t forget: you have invested so much of your time and energy in that other person (and maybe even little ones), you have made a solemn promise and you know that there is still love, even if it is not immediately visible. This article will show you how to save a marriage and how to prevent a divorce, even if you are the only one trying. If you want to relive the happy times of your marriage and put the rough ones on the back burner, read on for a discussion about how to do that.
1-Figure out what went wrong
1- Make an effort to find out what went wrong. You cannot continue if you do not know what is holding you back. Most relationships – and people – suffer from a few defects, and perhaps these deficiencies will stand in the way of a healthy relationship. Your job is to take a long, critical look at what you think has gone wrong. Here are just a few:
- A contradiction that keeps increasing. Work, family, stress, finances and all other things that our modern world throws at you can cause people to show their true nature. Are the actual man and woman really very different from the fairy-tale characters?
- Infidelity. Does the feeling of guilt of an affair weigh on you or your partner? Did confession of an affair suddenly make everything explode?
- Lack of communication. What you say is not processed by your partner and what your partner says is not processed by you. Maybe none of you say anything at all.
- Death of a loved one. Your world or your partner’s world changed irrevocably after someone close to your heart died, and you cannot continue with your previous life.
- Money. Someone is a waster and the other is a miser, and the two never meet. Perhaps the increasing financial uncertainty makes living in the home particularly negative.
- Sex. If sex is a physical symbol of your love for each other, the wilting of that symbol can be both emotionally and physically sad.
2-Find out if what went wrong can be corrected. Trying to save your sinking ship is a completely natural response, but what if the ship is so damaged that it is not worth saving? No one can make this decision for you, but know that certain defects in individuals or relationships may not be worth trying to save.
- Know that people rarely change. People often say they will change, but they rarely do. After they feel comfortable, they usually change back to the person they were before. It is not impossible for someone to change enormously, but it is unlikely.
3-Open the communication with your partner. Try to get information from them about how they think the relationship can be improved. When opening this difficult conversation with your partner, remember a few things:
4- Visit a marriage therapist (optional). Although it is expensive, a marriage therapist offers an extremely nuanced insight into how your marriage works. A marriage therapist might be able to determine what went wrong from a well-informed, but emotionally distant, position. Because the therapist is not part of the game, so to speak, the chance that he / she lies, spares something or forgets inconvenient facts is much smaller. A marriage therapist could very well save your marriage.
5- Try something new. Is your partner definitely not willing to bow? If so, it might be difficult to create the change that you want to see in your relationship. If you are unsure, try something new to see if your partner seems willing to make the necessary changes to save your relationship. Again, it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can try something new by: # * asking your partner if they are willing to visit a marriage therapist.
- Ask your partner if they love you as much, if not more, than they did on your wedding day. Ask your partner if they are willing to sacrifice – together with you – to make the relationship work.
2-Bringing the pieces back together
1-Create a safe space for this conversation. In many cases, a marriage falls apart because both parties forget to communicate, feel unsafe or ashamed to communicate or think they communicate when they don’t. To encourage the right kind of communication, think about:
- Reserve a moment in the day for you and your partner to come together and just talk. No sex, no children, no TV, no work. Just talk. If you want to talk about your problems, talk about it. If you want to talk about your day, talk about your day. Reserving time to talk will facilitate the course of your relationship and stimulate deeper communication.
- Have your partner take off. Sometimes your partner just wants something from the heart: they don’t want analysis, they don’t want guidance, they just want a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on.
2-Do not use threats as a means of exchange. Often, threats are used all the time in the event of a failed marriage. Expressing threats does not mean that you are a bad person, it means that you have a bad habit, one that you must unlearn. The problem with threats is that they encourage people to do the right things for the wrong reasons: your partner should not want to save the marriage because you are in danger of leaving him / her – your partner should want to save the marriage because he / she is absolutely loves you very much.
3- Learn how to argue effectively with humility. Arguments cannot be excluded in a marriage. The couples who survive and continue to build on their love are able to overcome personal obsessions, stand in the shoes of their partner and learn from their mistakes. If you want to save your marriage, both you and your partner must learn to argue in the right way.
- Don’t dig up the past. It is really tempting to pick up something that happened 14 years ago as a piece of evidence why your partner is not worth it or is wrong. This is completely beside the point: the point is not to win the argument, but to let your partner hear your point of view and perhaps change their behavior. If you continually take out old greasy from your partner, they will feel attacked instead of involved in a discussion. That is when the argument starts to err.
- Do not use ad hominem arguments. An ad hominem argument is when you attack a person (their physical, emotional, psychological traits) instead of their ideas. Sometimes a trait has to be criticized and treated. All too often it feels like a serious low blow and causes more slander than coming together in the end.
4-Say what you do and do what you say (and expect the same from your partner). A relationship has to do with trust. Trust is gained when expectations are met and when actions follow. If you say you are going to do something, do it too. If you fail to follow your words, this will cause your partner to believe that your words are not what you say they are. This leads to a break in the relationship of trust.
5-Learn how to celebrate the successes and how to live with the failures. Every life is filled with highs and lows, just as every person has strengths and weaknesses. In a failing marriage we all too often use our partners ‘failures as an opportunity to secretly gleam and we skip our partners’ successes as if it is self-evident. What more does a man or woman want than having their loved one with them in times of desperation and sharing their happiness with their loved one in times of joy?
- If your partners ‘idea of celebrating success and regretting your partners’ failures sounds terribly weird, take a step back and think about what you want your marriage to bring you. Most of the happily married couples admit to feeling joy when their partner is happy and to be sad when they are not happy.
6-Also keep some time free for yourself. Falling in love again is fun, but sometimes we lose the personal independence that we all long for. We often need an hour or two for ourselves to participate in something that we are crazy about, whether it’s gardening, repairing cars, or reading books. If one person in the marriage feels suffocated, they will work their dissatisfaction on their partner and it is unlikely that this will lead to happiness. During your reconciliation time, allow time for doing things that you both enjoy, to charge your batteries, and especially, to reflect.
7-Admit to your partner that not one of you is responsible for this wedding break. It is tempting to blame your partner for everything that went wrong, without admitting that you are also complicit in one way or another. There is also room to admit that you both bear guilt and responsibility. The process of saying this to your partner can mean a lot, and help you reform your bond.
3-Practical things you can do right away
1- Bless your promise again by making it tangible. A marriage is also about a commitment, a commitment where you place other people before yourself. If you feel like blessing your marriage promise again, consider doing it in a physical or tangible way so your partner can see your commitment. Give your partner a gift as a:
- Flower or plant (something that grows)
- Artwork (made by yourself)
2-Switch on the environment. Couples whose marriage is in danger often travel, both far and near, because the monotony of home life seems self-evident. When the obligations of work, the children, the family fall away, couples rediscover why they once fell in love with each other.
Note: a vacation can be a pretty bad litmus test on whether the relationship will succeed. A holiday is just playing and not work. Going back to the familiar routine of work, maintaining the family and doing odd jobs can cause the end of the fairy tale to happen very quickly.
3-Organize nights out again. A loving marriage is one in which both partners still enjoy the thought of being alone with the two of them. Some couples try to plan a night out every week, others every few weeks. You should try to plan a night out with your partner alone at least once a month. This should help flare up the passion for each other as well as eliminate some of the more annoying responsibilities of daily life.